


Morning After

by Anonymous



Category: Original Work, The Course of Honour - Avoliot
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Flashbacks, M/M, Memories, Misunderstandings, The Course of Honour - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 13:17:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15686190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: What happened in those three days after the flybug crash? Well, obviously there was a second time. However, Jainan has to cope with his destructive memories first. Kiem doesn't understand it. Things still work out all right.





	Morning After

When Jainan woke, for a disorienting minute he didn't know where he was and when.  It's late, it must be late, he has overslept, hasn't woken Taam in time, he will be... then he suddenly realised that Taam _won't be_ , because Taam is dead, beyond any waking, and the man sleeping beside him is _Kiem._

His new partner.

He listened, out of habit, though he didn't know what for. For someone who hardly ever stopped talking when awake, Kiem slept very still. Too still?

Cool dread ran down Jainan's spine. Why didn't he ask someone about the possible dangers of stim overdosing? _Useless, he really is a useless fool._ What if Kiem wasn't sleeping at all? What if he was in a coma, or worse...

He extended his hand but just before he could touch Kiem's face, Kiem snorted, murmured something unintelligible and turned away.

Asleep, then. Jainan fell back onto his pillow, trembling from the mixture of the too-sudden alarm and relief. _Get a grip on yourself,_ he thought. _And don't just lie around, you will end up waking him. Make yourself useful. Get some breakfast, he will probably be ravenous, once he wakes._

He remained lying there for a minute more, telling himself he doesn't have to do it... yet isn't it the decent thing to do?

Isn't this what good partners do?

After a while of fighting the compulsion he strictly told himself he would do this because he wants to, not because he has to, then got up and silently, so as to not wake Kiem, went to dress and start the day.

 ***

Kiem's stim-crash stillness changed to the occasional twitches and mumbled half-words somewhere around nine o'clock and he somehow managed to steal and glomp every pillow on their bed while Jainan wasn't looking but he didn't truly wake until just after noon. Even then, he didn't seem to be able to remember where he was.

Jainan was ready with the breakfast-lunch tray. He felt much better after having showered, washed and combed his hair properly; now he found himself smiling at the sleepy Kiem.

"Good morning." He set the tray down on the bed, pushing the rumpled sheets and strangled pillows aside. "I thought you'd be hungry.".

"Oh. Yes. Hungry. Thank you." Kiem was looking at him with a strange expression on his face. "You are here. You are really here. I woke and you are still here."

"Where else would I be?" Jainan tried to redirect Kiem's attention towards the tray because those shining eyes did something very strange to him. Made his heart beat all erratically. "Aren't you hungry?"

"No. Yes. Yes." Kiem took the teacup and drank the lukewarm liquid in one gulp, then grabbed a muffin and bit into it. "Thank you. This was very... thoughtful of you. Are you feeling well? Why don't you eat? Have you eaten already? How long have you been awake?"

"I'm not hungry," replied Jainan antomatically, but at that moment his traitor stomach rumbled. 

"Hell." Kiem pushed the tray towards Jainan. "Eat with me. Please. There is more than enough."

"Your bed will be full of crumbs."

"I don't have a bed," Kiem shook his head, took another bite and went on, somewhat muffled. "But it's probably a good idea indeed to keep _our_ bed crumb-free."

The words, _our bed,_ felt like a hot punch into Jainan's stomach. He had to force himself to open his mouth. 

"Back there, in the tent... you... what you said... about me..."

"I said a lot of things about you," said Kiem, and Jainan felt his face redden because it was true. Kiem said a lot of unbelievable, wondrous things about him in the rush of the moment. He must have been carried away by the circumstances. Or the chemicals in his system. 

"You had a lot of stim tabs." Somehow, he was able to say the words out in a calm voice that didn't betray the fear that gripped him. That night, he felt alive again. That night, he felt wanted and wanting, a precious, rare sensation. That night, he felt appreciated.  _Loved._

But that night was over. Kiem's stim tab rush was over, too. Now was the time to talk about their future. To mitigate the unavoidable disillusionment.

"True," Kiem nodded. "But that didn't mean anything at all. I mean... I meant it, the stim tabs didn't mean anything, not me. God, I'm babbling again. Jainan, I did mean every single word. I still do."

_Do you?_ Jainan's lips formed the question but no sound came. Kiem, for once in his life, decided against talking and pulled him in for a kiss instead. 

It started out innocent enough but soon became more. Kiem, of course, was trying to talk again, murmured broken sentences, half-words into the kiss, _Jainan, Jainan, you are wonderful, beautiful, you are perfect,_ and Jaian had to kiss him harder to make him stop because it was bordering on unbearable. Kiem was naked, shamelessly so, and Jainan couldn't miss how his body reacted. He broke away just for a second, to put the tray down to the floor before they could have kicked it, then turned back and found himself tightly wrapped in Kiem's arms again. Kiem's fingers were everywhere as he tried to somehow get the t-shirt and sweatpants off Jainan without even breaking their kiss, but managed only to tangle the shirt it around Jainan's arms, effectively binding his hands behind his back. 

Jainan felt suddenly dizzy. _Do I really have to tie you up?_ Taam's voice hissed in his head and he froze. Taam did tie him up once, only once, after he accidentally had more drinks with his friends than he should have and Jainan dared to ask him to _just go to bed, please, not tonight--_ but Jainan had learned from the lesson and Taam never once needed to repeat it. He only ever mentioned it when Jainan was unnecessarily reluctant to fulfill his duties in bed. _Be pliant, be accomodating and then it doesn't need to hurt._

"Jainan? Jainan? _Jainan!"_

Jainan blinked. The man in front of him was Kiem again, not Taam, of course not Taam. That was stupid of him, to lose himself in the past again. He mustn't ruin the mood for Kiem. He can do that. He has done that before. _Breathe. Smile. It won't kill you, to make your partner feel good._

He shook off the t-shirt, smiled and leaned in to kiss Kiem again but Kiem pulled away. 

"What's wrong?" he asked, alarmed. 

Jainan knew he should tell him. He also knew he wouldn't be able to. Not this. 

"Nothing. Come back." He forced a reassuring smile onto his lips and beckoned Kiem closer. His sweatpants were still on; with any luck, Kiem won't realise that he wasn't hard anymore. He still can use his hand or mouth to get Kiem off. 

Kiem didn't buy his trick. 

"Did I do something wrong? Please tell me. Do you... should I not... tell me, what do you want me to do? How do you want me to touch you? I will make it better. I want to try! Please let me try. Didn't you enjoy it back in the tent?"

"Stop!" Jainan almost yelled. _Stop, don't bring that night up now. I don't want Taam's memory to taint it._

It was too late. Taam already sat between them on the bed and Kiem jerked back as if Jainan had hit him. 

"Okay! Okay. I will stop. Sorry. I didn't mean... oh, God. Sorry. "He scooted away on the bed and Jainan felt the pain of it as if a string had been pulled taut between their hearts. "I'm not doing anything you don't want me to. I'm not going to... but last time, in the tent, it was perfect, like a dream, wasn't it for you?" 

Jainan could only shake his head in agony. _You are about as enjoyable as a dead fish,_ Taam's memory sneered in his head. _I could do better with a wet towel in my bed. You are pathetic. Useless._

Kiem definitely had had too many stim tabs that night. 

"You don't want me, do you?" 

Jainan looked up. Kiem was serious. Kiem was seriously thinking... no. Jainan shook his head mutely. Kiem cannot possibly think that. 

But Kiem drew back again in horror, and it was only then that Jainan realised what happened. 

"I... I understand, " Kiem said in a strangled voice. "I'm sorry. I'm not going to... you don't have to... I'll go now. We can... we can arrange stuff so that we don't have to... you know. I can sleep on the folding bed again, no big deal, seriously. I'm sorry. I'm so dumb. I haven't realised... I'm really sorry. I just... I will go now."

"Don't. "Please." Jainan heard his own voice from very far away. "I do want you. Really. I'm just... I'm not good in this, I've never been good and I certainly won't ever be good enough for you, can't you see?" His words rushed out of him in something very near desperation; no matter how much he tried to keep himself composed, the last days shook him deeply, too. "I just want..."

He broke off when he saw Kiem's face.  

"How can you say that?" Kiem asked incredulously. " How ever can you say that? Last night was the very best of my life, hands down. You were awesome. We were awesome together. At least I hope it was just as awesome for you, because it certainly seemed like so and... I'm babbling again. Jainan, please don't run away from me, can I hold you now? Please? I will behave myself, just let me... can I take your hand, at least?"

For all his morning-after look, ruffled hair and the warmth of the bed still clinging to him, Kiem's eyes were hot and intent on Jainan. As if he truly saw something in Jainan after all. Something worth keeping.

Hearing the honest, unguarded words, and the unexpected plea for his hand, Jainan felt something loosen in his chest. He smiled and extended his hand. 

"I'm not running away," he smiled and leaned in to kiss Kiem again. 


End file.
